I have feelings for you, but I know that you'll never ever have the same feelings for me. It's an irrational thought brewing in my head, but I am certain that it is true. It's getting worse, being around you, because it's just a reminder that I am just chasing the unattainable. I foolishly chase as others witness you pull my strings. I enjoy it, but I know there's no result, prize, or victory in the end.

    And as I sit here alone, I realize how you're going about your life, a happy one. I think that how you've managed to fill my mind with visions of false futures, your thoughts of me are microscopic.

    Confidence is at an all-time low. After all this time of improving myself, I still feel miserable. I still feel like I'm unnoticed, despite all the attempts to prove myself and put myself out there. There is no applause, no positive reinforcement, I am left alone to wander and hope someone will think of me.

    I've been, depressed I guess. I haven't really reached out to anyone to talk about it. It's a stupid reason too; I don't want to waste anyone's time with my problems. I would rather people not know how I'm feeling so they don't think of me as a sad waste of life, yet at the same time I'm in dire need of an outlet.

    I am constantly surrounded by madness and negativity. I cannot even hear myself think most of the time. The quietest moments I ever get to have anymore are the drives to and from work. But even then I just don't have an outlet.

    I've lost peace within myself and it's starting to show. I could hope that someone would reach out to help me, but I'm certain that everyone has their hands full.

    If you only knew how much I need you now.

       You turned out to be a dime a dozen.

       I'm not sure how I feel about you now. You're beautiful on the outside, but from the vibes I've been getting from you as of late, you're ugly underneath. I'm sure there's probably people much worse out there right now, it's just disappointing that you just happened to be someone I fell for so easily. But now it's clear that there's nothing for us.

       I'm sure you have your own reasons, but I cannot find myself with someone like you. I need someone who's an independent thinker. I need someone who isn't excessively conceited. I need someone who understands the concept of hard work and earning everything in life.

       I am... not going to waste my time on you anymore. I'm sorry, but it's not like that matters. I'm sure you've suckered someone else into giving you the world.

       I do not want to give myself to cheap tricks.

       -無名

           I have a playlist called "SUMMER CRUZ" on my iPod. I made it last year and it consists of a lot of reggae and old-school ska. The vibes I get from these songs always compliment my summer drives.

           The thing is, I've yet to let this playlist rotate during my drives this year. I started to think of why this is the case.

           This song in particular paints the picture that will forever stay in my mind. Often I would reserve "SUMMER CRUZ" for the days when I'd take my grandfather to and from dialysis.

           We never really talked much. Our personalities are so alike that I felt that we were always on the same wavelength and therefore didn't need to speak many words. We'd usually let the music do the talking as we drove with the windows down and the sun in our face.

           Of all the things I remember about my grandpa, it was always the way that he'd tap his hand on the door to the beat. I always thought of him as a Sinatra fan, but whenever this song or any song on my playlist was playing, he'd tap his hand to the beat.

           "I really like this reggae." He'd say.

           Him liking my tastes, and me making him happy in such a small way, is something I miss about him.

           And it's a summer drive with him next to me that I miss the most.

             They always get the best of me.

              I woke up this morning feeling more of the same. I was still waiting for a reply, and the next few much needed days off were going to be tough. I don't have much to look forward to during the weekends anymore. I'm most likely to blame since I have shut off what little social life I have. And the days to rest for myself have been few and far between so I do try to take advantage of it. However, the past few weekends have just been unbearable because she's all I've been thinking of.

              The only thing that saves me from total madness is the workout and run that I've committed myself to for the past month. I mentioned in my last post that I've been looking to improve myself and having a routine that I have has really helped me. Usually I save it for when I come home from work, but since I'm a free man today I decided to do it nice and early.

               It helps suppress the stress and worries that I have. It helps me focus on things. If I could, I would exercise every morning before work, but my shifts force me to wake up at an uncomfortably early time already. I couldn't imagine waking up even earlier time. But my dad did it for twenty years straight, why can't I?

               I had to stop by my job today to pick up boxes for my upcoming move. I knew she'd be working today, but I wasn't sure when. Yes, I did anticipate on seeing her. And yes, I was afraid of how our encounter would turn out.

               And with a few steps into the store, all of my assumptions went away. She smiled at me, batted her eyes, and said hello. It was as if none of the negativity I conjured in my head ever existed.

               I asked her if she got the song I made for her, and she said she did early this morning.

               "I thought you hated me, so you never replied back to me."

               "I don't hate you, and I didn't hate it. It was really cute. Thank you so much, Anon. That was sweet of you."

                She explained to me that she was busy. It was her birthday afterall, and she doesn't really check her inbox as often as she should.

               "I almost thought I was listening to the real thing."

               "I could only wish to have a voice like Dallas Green."

               I feel better now knowing that we're okay, but I still feel that this isn't going to happen. I think there's something in the way, and I won't be able to move it.

                But at least I know that the next time I make a bold move, not to worry about the outcome.

                What happens, happens.

           Her birthday is tomorrow. In a couple of hours I'm sending her something I made, my cover of City & Colour's "The Girl."

            If that doesn't tell her how much I feel about her, then I don't know what will. Sometimes a simple "I like you" isn't enough. Especially when a word like "like" does not explain how I feel at all.

            This is going to be either the nail in the coffin, or the start of something beautiful. I'm nervous, expecting bad news, and don't want to live to see the end of this. But I am just a guy that's fallen for you, and I don't know how to show my presence.

            So my hope is, in my present to you....

            ...I can't finish that sentence. I'm starting to feel that I'm doing the wrong thing. Two sides of me are fighting over what I should do. Maybe that's why Pisceans are symbolized by two fish?

           I'm hoping for the best, but expecting nothing but the worst.